he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
