apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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