I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
