As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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