I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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