Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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