NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
