I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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