god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Mom said you looked used
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
