I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
