I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
