Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
