I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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