I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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