My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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