I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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