Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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