I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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