i need an iv and a liver transplant
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
