so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
