I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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