Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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