If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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