u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
