the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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