:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
