If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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