I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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