I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Randomize
