Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
