then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
