im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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