I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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