Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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