i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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