Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Who died my cat blue again?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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