Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
