I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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