Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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