I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You can't just leave with hair like that
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
