I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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