So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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