look no pants
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
