I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
