I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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