hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
