mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
