Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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