remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
