Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
