but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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