Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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